If I were to choose what to be, I would choose to be a werewolf. That is what calls me, wolves (my favourite animals), blood, savagedom, freedom, nature, the night(i love the moon and the starry sky).All of those things are things I enjoy. They always wake up the animal inside me to such an extent that its enough to be in a moment of bloodrush to make me make rash and brutal decisions.Sometimes I wish I would be provoked.To vent, to beat, to use my body as a sledgehammer.It has happened and it will happen again.I don't want to control it, because it offers me a way to liberate myself from alot of suppresed anger, shame, neglect, loneliness that I often feel.Sometimes I enjoy being around people, sometimes, I just want to avoid them.I HATE to obey rules that are stupid or just don't make any sense to me and almost always am prone of building my own rules.It's not because of that false sense of control.I know I can control it.I also know I have a softer side that will be protecting the people I care about of anything that threatens them. I am posessive, and jealous and uncosiderate sometimes.But just as much as I am jealous, I am true and loyal and would rather walk a lonely path rather than put the burden of shame onto my name by betraying my friends.Yes, I am proud.However that is something I will never give up.Not for anyone anyhow.Pride is what makes us stand tall, look people in the eyes without shame or fear. It is pride who makes us noble.I will never bow to anyone, nor will I be a lapdog.I will always defy to the bitter end.Whatever the purpouse.Thus, I'd rather die fighting then be a prisoner beshamed.Such are the things I value and that is who I am. I am half man, half beast. I will not and cannot be controlled by anyone. I love just as much as I enjoy revenge and whips only make my skin tougher, my thirst for revenge deeper and my anger greater. The only true moment that cannot set me off is the moment i am in love.
that just quells the beast and brings out the human part.The trusting, naive, caring, hopeful part.The better part that likes to take long walks during the day and just gorge on the beauty all around.The romantic part that writes poems nobody reads,the artistic, creative part that wants to make beautiful paintings of lands existing only in my mind.The better part that smiles and kisses her when she goes off to work.The better part that loves her like there was no tomorrow.The better part that dreams away while putting on a big fat smile.The better part that jokes alot, and blushes when near girls.
Somedays I look in the mirror and ask myself: "Who am I?".Maybe this is as much of me as you guys will get to know, as most parts of me are so well hidden and tucked away, even I am horrified by the mere thought of them.Somehow, I don't feel comfortable talking about myself, but I am aware that at this point, this is the closest I'm going to get to having a conversation to someone I trust.Why ? because I now don;t trust anyone, but at the same time, I trust everyone.Sort of contradictory.Yet I really need to have a deep conversation with someone and by writing all of this down, it gives me a false sense of conversing with someone.I'm tired of talking with myself, hearing my thoughts banging against the rough gritty walls of my mind.I feel that if I keep having those conversations only with myself, I'll most likely reach a point in wich I'll loose my mind.
If there's something I blame myself for, its for not seeing "that" coming.Not being aware of what was in stall for me, for not being so goddamn lucid to see what was going to happen (wich is unlike me).But somehow, some way, I wanted to believe in people, in that person that really ment the equivalent of my own life, of my now somehow broken sanity and of my now almost non-existing feelings.My fault was that I wanted to know something I already did, deep down in my heart and in my guts.The confirmation of that fear was what tore me to shreds.What eats me up every day.To enhance those things, comes the fact that all I keep hearing as of late is let's be friends and similar crap.I don't want friends.I don't want more people that I might call aqaintances. I want a bit of love, care and affection.And that is probably a "drug" you become hung up on in a long long relationship.Nothing is ever the same once you've had something like that.Everything changes in you.From the way you look at things and people, to the way you behave.it's like having another part of you around every day.Every single godforsaken day.and when you break up, that part of you is gone... at first, you can't believe it, but afterwards, you realise how much you put in, by putting up with so much shit, by crying because she/he hurt your feelings. THose are the moments that bind people so strong, that once those people are gone, you're left with the lone part of yourself that slowly sinks into digust, then thirst for revenge and then hate.That is because your better part was the one you gave away. To be able to come back and regrow those feelings of love, you have to find someone else, to start something new, to give you your confidence, your trust in other people back.To wash away that hate, all of those dark blood-soaked days months or years you only need 1 moment....
That moment is called love.