Our perception of life is sometimes so fucking distorted that we don't see the obvious things that strike out until its too late. Why ever are we so foolish ? Does it mean that if you say "Pardon me" all the bad shit is just gonna vanish ? that all the shit, the waiting, the pain, the days i've stopped counting are simply going to come back and all is going to be ok suddenly ? Does it lie within the heavy strings of wah-wah guitars that scream out "Fuck this hurts" ? Is it just some fucking eric clapton song playing in my head ? Is it a bunch of guitarstrings I've heard some while ago ? You see, we just fail to see the fucking obvious.We're fucked up. We all are... Maybe you got your fucked up family, maybe I got my fucked up thoughts, maybe she's just seeking refuge in a bottle of whiskey because her husband kicked the shit out of her.. But you know what ? it bites... thats reality.Wether we choose to see it or not, that her, reality, right there ! I've not fallen into a lapse... I just feel this is the sanest I am ever going to get... talking to myself. Waiting for deliverance... I've accepted things as they are, but that doesn't mean it deprives me of the right to say this fucked up shit is not fair ! not for me not for your lives, not for anyones. Wish I didn't get to hear to so many skeletons and hidden secrets... All of them weigh heavier on me now, more than they did before ? why ? because all of a sudden you realise that nobody is really happy. That we're just striving for that piece of grape we really can't have. And it's ok ! By all means ! But reality is so fucking obvious, you sometimes loose focus and realise that how much you strive to get to some place, that place is always gonna be 2 seconds away from you.
I really miss my guitar.. I used to play on my guitar when i didn't feel like creating.I miss singing in the morning, when my folks were at work. Now I got no place to go, all my hiding places are gone. No guitar, no singing (i did try something but as soon as I did I heard some weird shit talk..uhuh). I got no place, nothing to use as therapy, to seek refuge.. Thats the reason why I can't wait to go to work, catch a glimpse of a colleague's time and fill his head with work-related stuff, so i got someone to talk to. I'm by no means happy... I'm just draggin shit along the way. Something inside me tells me not to give up, because I always had the strength to carry on.To work my own way, find my own place, use my own rules, but at the same time, something tells me I'm getting too old to take on the world again. Back when I did, i had supoort. Now i got jack shit. Sometimes I even wonder if closing this account and stop doing art wouldn't be the best thing for me. But I'm still hoping for a breakthrough... I'm still clinging to a piece of paper thats got "Winner" written on it. At the moment I'm concentrating on working on my self-esteeme, on not giving 2 fucks what others think of me.. I really need to win back my confidence. For the moment it's somewhere buried away and I can't seem to find it again. I'm just waiting for the good guy to be given a break.. Meanwhile I seek refuge in shutting off. In supressing my anger, my feelings... I am scared.I admit I am. I know that at the moment I'm not ready for any kind of relationship... All i'd do is fall back and not feel anything. Plus, there's a good amount of trust in people that went down the crapper with her.And this feeling.... this feeling of being fucked soooooo hard makes me want to go out there and smash someone's head with a hammer till his brains spill... That's the kind of feeling I got inside. Maybe I'm too much of a softie or way too considerate but how can someone be so fucking cruel and just jump into a fresh relationship only one month after we broke up ? is it that 5 years of hard work and passion spent trying to make things always better are worth shit...How can I ever forgive that ? or even forget for that fact ? Thats one hell of a stab in the back that changes perspective 180 degrees. And then there's those what if's... I put so much damn passion into that relationship, like I do with all of the things I do (or used to anyway). Its the thanks I get...One final fuck you. What's the purpouse of having shitloads of talent and what the fuck not if you're denied the one thing you seek most ? Appreciation and unconditional love... I learned my lesson, and I know nothing's gotta be taken for granted... but why ? why do i have to go through all this shit ? why do I have to hurt so much it makes me loose my sanity ? I'm a good person... I dont talk shit about other people, I love to help, to give, to make others happy, to respect and appreciate others... why is it that people like me end up fucked so bad ? And why do people then wander that those who were once considerate and kind, turn into bitter hate-filled persons ? Why do they wonder about it ? Whats so damn weird to stop caring, to start closing up inside, to start becoming bitter, to love being feared and avoided... What else is there left to be ? You just loose faith in people, then start being rude and unconsiderate as they are and give them a taste of their own medicine. Even to those who don't deserve it. Why ? because life's not fair ! thats why.
I've stopped eating properly.Noticed I'm smoking more, drinking some too... I dont care.Might as well die than be in this fucked up situation.I'm sick of it all.
Btw i'm gonna be in Paris starting Friday 6th till monday morning probably. I'm on a short trip to get a break from everything. Oh and to top it all off, one of my cousine is getting married. Thats just what I needed. More happy wah wah shit romance. Makes me wanna go and throw up.