Sta.sh
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Rage I really miss my guitar.. I used to play on my guitar when i didn't feel like creating.I miss singing in the morning, when my folks were at work. Now I got no place to go, all my hiding places are gone. No guitar, no singing (i did try something but as soon as I did I heard some weird shit talk..uhuh). I got no place, nothing to use as therapy, to seek refuge.. Thats the reason why I can't wait to go to work, catch a glimpse of a colleague's time and fill his head with work-related stuff, so i got someone to talk to. I'm by no means happy... I'm just draggin shit along the way. Something inside me tells me not to give up, because I always had the strength to carry on.To work my own way, find my own place, use my own rules, but at the same time, something tells me I'm getting too old to take on the world again. Back when I did, i had supoort. Now i got jack shit. Sometimes I even wonder if closing this account and stop doing art wouldn't be the best thing for me. But I'm still hoping for a breakthrough... I'm still clinging to a piece of paper thats got "Winner" written on it. At the moment I'm concentrating on working on my self-esteeme, on not giving 2 fucks what others think of me.. I really need to win back my confidence. For the moment it's somewhere buried away and I can't seem to find it again. I'm just waiting for the good guy to be given a break.. Meanwhile I seek refuge in shutting off. In supressing my anger, my feelings... I am scared.I admit I am. I know that at the moment I'm not ready for any kind of relationship... All i'd do is fall back and not feel anything. Plus, there's a good amount of trust in people that went down the crapper with her.And this feeling.... this feeling of being fucked soooooo hard makes me want to go out there and smash someone's head with a hammer till his brains spill... That's the kind of feeling I got inside. Maybe I'm too much of a softie or way too considerate but how can someone be so fucking cruel and just jump into a fresh relationship only one month after we broke up ? is it that 5 years of hard work and passion spent trying to make things always better are worth shit...How can I ever forgive that ? or even forget for that fact ? Thats one hell of a stab in the back that changes perspective 180 degrees. And then there's those what if's... I put so much damn passion into that relationship, like I do with all of the things I do (or used to anyway). Its the thanks I get...One final fuck you. What's the purpouse of having shitloads of talent and what the fuck not if you're denied the one thing you seek most ? Appreciation and unconditional love... I learned my lesson, and I know nothing's gotta be taken for granted... but why ? why do i have to go through all this shit ? why do I have to hurt so much it makes me loose my sanity ? I'm a good person... I dont talk shit about other people, I love to help, to give, to make others happy, to respect and appreciate others... why is it that people like me end up fucked so bad ? And why do people then wander that those who were once considerate and kind, turn into bitter hate-filled persons ? Why do they wonder about it ? Whats so damn weird to stop caring, to start closing up inside, to start becoming bitter, to love being feared and avoided... What else is there left to be ? You just loose faith in people, then start being rude and unconsiderate as they are and give them a taste of their own medicine. Even to those who don't deserve it. Why ? because life's not fair ! thats why.
I've stopped eating properly.Noticed I'm smoking more, drinking some too... I dont care.Might as well die than be in this fucked up situation.I'm sick of it all.
Btw i'm gonna be in Paris starting Friday 6th till monday morning probably. I'm on a short trip to get a break from everything. Oh and to top it all off, one of my cousine is getting married. Thats just what I needed. More happy wah wah shit romance. Makes me wanna go and throw up.
Except that these things happen, to the good and the bad. You feel you need to change, so accept who you are and realize that you're wonderful. You don't have to be any less passionate or loving. You just got to learn to keep that part under control and look out for yourself and basically be careful. No one ever knows how things are going to be so it will be a pain in the ass to always be cautious and careful. Once you get through this, and you will, believe me, you'll find yourself stronger. Don't hesitate to go headlong into things, because you'll have the experience and strength to know what could happen and that you'll make it through. You'll be fine.
tl;dr: Shit happens. Just don't let it get to you.
this don't mean you're wrong and even she don't, this just happens always to everybody, between friends, lovers, parents and childrens.
this what i think about what you told me.
think that the happiness is hard to find and count that after a little bit the friendships get vanished as everything in this world and the best of the man is to always keep up and never give up, restart always whatever it left in your exausted hands.
the beauty of the happyness is to make her survive even though the shit you take.
it's hard, sometimes just too much, and even i can't always do it and win the sadness but i do my best that's all.
my creed is that you have always to give all yourself into the relations without reserves because you have always to learn from people and if you were happy when you did it, it mean that it wasn't a mistake... hope this will spread a lot of streets to you each better than the other
P.P.S. i would like to be able to play elettric guitar as hobby like you, but i can't it's a great analogy the one with the "wah-wah!"
maybe she didn't love you like you did to her, but this always teach you the beauty and the bittersweet taste of the life.
by the way you have always to keep in mind a thing that you already know : if it don't kill me it makes me stronger (forgive me my bad english)